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Maybe the names were different. Maybe one worked in finance and another was a creative. Maybe one was six feet tall and another was five-foot-eight. But underneath the surface, they all made you feel remarkably similar.
Anxious.
Uncertain.
Like you were constantly trying to earn their affection.
If you’ve ever wondered why this keeps happening, you’re not alone. I recently sat down with relationship coach John Kenny on my podcast to talk about why we repeat unhealthy dating patterns and, more importantly, how to break them.
One thing John said really stood out to me: most people don’t realize they’re choosing what’s familiar, not what’s healthy.
Your Dating Patterns Didn’t Start in Adulthood
Most people think their dating problems started when they downloaded Hinge or after a bad breakup.
The reality is that many of our relationship patterns were formed long before we ever went on a first date.
The relationships we observed growing up become our blueprint for what love looks and feels like. If chaos, inconsistency, emotional distance, or people-pleasing were normalized in your childhood, those dynamics can feel strangely comfortable in adulthood.
Not because they’re good for you.
Because they’re familiar.
I’ve seen this countless times with clients. They’ll tell me they want a stable, emotionally available partner, but then they’ll become intensely attracted to the person who gives them mixed signals.
The stable person feels “boring.”
The unavailable person feels exciting.
What they’re actually experiencing isn’t chemistry. It’s familiarity.
The Attraction Trap
One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming that strong attraction automatically means strong compatibility.
It doesn’t.
Sometimes that intense spark is simply your nervous system recognizing a pattern it’s experienced before.
Think about the people you’ve been drawn to in the past.
Do they share similar qualities?
Do they all leave you feeling the same way?
Do your relationships tend to follow the same storyline?
The answers can be incredibly revealing.
I often tell clients that if every relationship ends the same way, it’s worth investigating the common denominator. Not to blame yourself, but to understand what you’re unconsciously choosing.
Awareness is where change begins.
Stop Focusing on What You Don’t Want
When I ask singles what they’re looking for, many immediately launch into a list of what they don’t want.
“I don’t want a player.”
“I don’t want someone emotionally unavailable.”
“I don’t want someone who wastes my time.”
While these things may be true, focusing exclusively on what you don’t want keeps your attention on negative experiences from the past.
Instead, try creating a vision of what you do want.
What values matter most?
How do you want to feel in a relationship?
What qualities would make someone a great long-term partner?
What kind of life are you trying to build together?
The clearer you become on these answers, the easier it becomes to recognize someone who actually aligns with them.
Healthy Love Often Feels Different
One of the hardest lessons in dating is accepting that healthy relationships may not feel the way your unhealthy relationships felt.
If you’re used to emotional rollercoasters, consistency can initially feel unfamiliar.
If you’re used to chasing, mutual effort can feel strange.
If you’re used to uncertainty, stability can feel less exciting.
But healthy relationships aren’t supposed to keep you guessing.
They’re supposed to bring peace.
This is something I talk about often when discussing what I call “best friend energy.” The strongest relationships aren’t built on anxiety and drama. They’re built on trust, comfort, consistency, and genuine friendship.
The right person won’t leave you wondering where you stand.
How to Start Breaking the Pattern
If you recognize yourself in any of this, don’t panic.
The goal isn’t to become a completely different person overnight.
The goal is simply to become more conscious of your choices.
Start paying attention to how people make you feel.
Notice when you’re drawn to someone because they’re actually a good fit versus when you’re drawn to someone because they feel familiar.
Question the stories you tell yourself about attraction.
And most importantly, give different types of people a chance.
The relationship that changes your life may not look like the relationships you’ve had before.
In fact, that’s probably the point.
Because if your old patterns were working, you wouldn’t still be searching.
Sometimes finding love isn’t about finding someone new.
It’s about becoming willing to choose differently.
What relationship pattern have you noticed yourself repeating? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
John Kenny can be found at:
https://johnkennycoaching.com/
