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One of the biggest mistakes I see people make in dating is assuming that great chemistry automatically leads to great sex.
It doesn’t.
Just like every other part of a healthy relationship, your physical connection requires communication. No one walks into a relationship already knowing exactly what their partner likes, what makes them feel desired, or what turns them off. That gets built over time.
The problem is that so many people are terrified to have these conversations.
They’re afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings.
They’re worried about sounding demanding.
Or they simply hope things will magically improve on their own.
Unfortunately, they usually don’t.
On the latest episode of Dating Rehab, Sexologist Eszter Tölgyesi and I talk about how to communicate your desires in a way that actually brings you closer together instead of creating distance. Here are the biggest takeaways.
Lead with what they’re doing right.
If the first thing your partner hears is criticism, chances are they’ll become defensive instead of receptive.
Instead, start with something genuine.
“I loved when you kissed me like that.”
“I really liked how connected I felt last night.”
Positive reinforcement is key. It’s showing your partner what makes you feel desired while making them feel appreciated in the process.
People naturally want to do more of what makes their partner happy.
Talk about what you want, not what they’re doing wrong.
There’s a huge difference between saying:
“You’re doing this wrong.”
and
“I really enjoy it when...”
One attacks the person.
The other shares a preference.
Your partner shouldn’t feel like they’re failing a performance review every time you have a conversation about intimacy.
The goal isn’t to criticize them.
The goal is to teach each other.
No one is born knowing exactly how to be your perfect partner.
Don’t wait until you’re frustrated.
Timing matters.
If you’ve spent months quietly building resentment, the conversation will probably come out sounding much harsher than you intended.
The best time to talk isn’t in the middle of an argument or immediately after sex when emotions are heightened.
Find a relaxed moment where neither of you feels pressured or vulnerable.
Think of it as a conversation about your relationship, not a review of your partner’s performance.
Sometimes the problem isn’t physical.
This was one of my favorite parts of the conversation.
Many people think they’re unhappy with the sex when they’re actually unhappy with something else.
Maybe they don’t feel emotionally connected.
Maybe trust has been broken.
Maybe they don’t feel pursued, appreciated, or desired outside the bedroom.
Sex often reflects what’s happening in the relationship as a whole.
Before assuming it’s a physical issue, ask yourself whether there’s something deeper that’s making it difficult to fully connect.
Explore together instead of expecting perfection.
The healthiest couples don’t expect their partner to magically know everything.
They’re curious.
They ask questions.
They laugh.
They experiment.
They give feedback.
Most importantly, they see intimacy as something they’re creating together, not something one person is responsible for getting right every single time.
That mindset changes everything.
Communication Creates Better Intimacy
As a matchmaker, I spend so much time helping people find the right person.
But finding the right person is only the beginning.
The strongest relationships aren’t built because two people are naturally perfect for each other. They’re built because both people are willing to have uncomfortable conversations with kindness, curiosity, and respect.
If you can talk openly about money, children, where you’ll live, and your future together, you should also be able to talk about what helps each of you feel loved, desired, and connected.
Those conversations create intimacy.
I’d love to hear your thoughts after listening to the full episode of Dating Rehab. I think it’s a conversation every couple and every single person preparing for a future relationship should hear.
Eszter can be found on Instagram or at the Center for Love and Sex.
